being honest

I've been stuck. Frozen. Paralyzed. Waiting and hoping for something to click. To break through. To shift. It isn't happening on its own, so I'm breaking down the walls...

I can't get this song, Apocalypse Lullaby, out of my head.

It's so achingly beautiful, isn't it?  

I'm really trying to feel happy and hopeful. (So, yeah, that doesn't work.) It isn't authentic. I want to be a source of joy for my daughter. A touchstone that she can turn to when she is sad or lost or scared. I'm a mother, of course I want to be this for her. But I also want to be real and accepting of my own feelings and flaws. To show her the world I've come to know. To teach her to see the beauty and the chaos. Because we live in a place full of both.

She's about to turn one and I feel as if I should be giddy with party planning. Sewing felt birthday banners and crafting paper pom-poms. But, to be honest, that seems absurd to me right now.

I keep thinking about that tornado in Oklahoma. And how unnecessary it is for people, for children, to suffer. So many of the blogs I read are beautiful and sweet and lighthearted and uplifting. I read them because I want to live in that world too. But, I'm going to be honest again here for a moment, most of the time I don't. Many people don't. 

See, the reason that I've been stuck -- on this blog and in my life -- is that I've made a real attempt at being neutral. For the first time in my life, I wanted to avoid confrontation. After my mom died, I wanted to slip quietly into the background. I wanted to knit and cook beautiful food and have a baby. I wanted to exchange my ambition for happiness.

It sort of worked for awhile. I had been working really hard before my mom got sick, so I was ready for a break. I bought a Vespa and cruised around town. I made lots of stuff for our house. I scaled back my efforts at work. I declined opportunities to travel. I got pregnant and became obsessed with preparing for our daughter's arrival. And this past year, I've been all-consumed with this crash course in motherhood. (And with moving from Seattle to our little town in North Carolina.) But now that my baby is turning one and our boxes are unpacked, I realize that i can't stay in this haze.

There's nothing wrong with living a life focused on beauty. I've loved setting up our home and nurturing my daughter. I can say with complete honesty that this is the hardest thing I've ever done. There is nothing that could have prepared me for the challenges of motherhood. But at the same time, I know that I am much more than a mother.

Yes, I am an attorney. In fact, I have too many degrees to discuss here. (I loved school, or perhaps the way that school uniquely channeled my particular brand of ambition.) But I'm not talking about that either. I'm talking about the song. Apocalypse Lullaby, indeed.

I know way too much about climate change to ever forget. To spend even one single day truly living in that blissful haze. I have spent too much time studying and working in war zones, regions ravaged my famine and drought, and places where young girls are traded in (by very desperate families) to become sex slaves. I've spent my entire life working for social and environmental justice. I was quite foolish to think that I could ever be neutral. Especially now that I have a daughter. 

I wanted so desperately to be like the other (seemingly) happy, crafty, healthy bloggers. But I would open up my laptop every day and promptly close it again, my mind blank or unmotivated. But this morning felt different. I decided that I can't avoid controversy anymore. Because in my attempt at being neutral, I've silenced myself. And what kind of example is that setting for my little girl?

Eleven Months

I cannot believe that it has been almost a year since my baby girl was born. I really can't remember my daily life before her arrival, and I'm struggling to even recall those first few all-consuming months last summer. We've had lots of adventures and surprises this past year --  moving from Seattle to North Carolina being the biggest!

At eleven months, Kennedy is crawling super fast around the house, pulling up to stand along the walls and couch, eating pretty much whatever we eat (she loves blueberries, carrots, waffles, and her beloved bananas), and sleeping about 11 hours per night (often straight through). She loves to give hugs and kisses and play with her doggies, who make her squeal and giggle. Last weekend, we took her to a concert in the rain and she kept trying to lick the umbrella while laughing like Count Dracula. She sure is a barrel of monkeys these days.

I'm still breastfeeding Kennedy, but I doubt that she's getting more than a few ounces per day from me. She drinks several bottles each day of organic formula mixed with goat milk. We're not sure yet what type of milk we're going to give her next month as she transitions off of formula. We drink almond milk in our home, but I know that it doesn't have enough calories or healthy fats for her growing body. I've read that a mixture of coconut milk and hemp milk is a good non-dairy choice, but I just can't stomach the price of buying so many cans of coconut milk per week (not to mention the possible contaminants, like BPA, in the lining of the cans)... Any suggestions?

After K's morning nap, we're planning to hit up the gym so I can swim some laps and then we may try to do a little baking this afternoon. Happy Friday!

scattered happenings

Life is chugging along over here in our little world. Kennedy was sick again, and it was all consuming. Poor girl had temperatures upwards of 105 degrees last week (Roseola), plus a number of other associated baby illnesses. She's feeling better now, but I am still  humbled by the whole ordeal. These scary sick-baby-nights are the most difficult part of motherhood for me so far...the part that I was least prepared for.

On a happier note, I finished another half marathon a couple of weeks ago. It was slow going since I hadn't properly trained for it (having not run more than 5 miles since K was born last summer -- eek), but I didn't care. It was at the beach and therefore wonderful and inspiring and beautiful. It was also the baby's first trip to the ocean, which was the most magical part of all.

Feeling inspired by my little race and wanting to find more ways to be active and outside, I signed up for a couple of small, local triathlons this spring and summer. This is a bit wild for me. Although I grew up swimming competitively, I'm not so comfortable on a bike. My goal is just to finish the first one (which is less than a month away), and maybe try not to finish in last place for the second one. If nothing else, training is getting me back into the pool, which does wonders for my sense of well being. I think that one of the greatest gifts my parents gave me was to enroll me in the swim team as a little girl. I will always have this meditative, graceful practice to return to. Even when grace is lacking everywhere else in my life.

I've been reading a lot lately (if you count listening to audiobooks as reading), and I was particularly inspired by Rich Roll's book, Finding Ultra. Lawyer + Vegan + Athlete = fascinating. I'm sure that this had something to do with my signing up for the aforementioned triathlons... Rich has a great podcast too.

Kennedy is eleven months old today, which is totally wild. I'm hoping that the skies clear up so that we can head outside and take some photos this afternoon.

10 Months

My baby girl turned 10 months old on Monday. We crept out to the front yard to watch the birds and snap some photos after a long weekend of sickness. Kennedy can't seem to stay healthy for more than a day or two right now. And then we (me, Nate, or both of us) get whatever she has. And then everyone is sick at the same time. And then we get better. And then is starts all over. This past week, it's been the flu and pink eye.

This little girl is such a trooper, though.

Kennedy usually goes to a wonderful little preschool a few mornings each week, but she's been on spring break so we've had lots and lots of extra snuggle time.

I continue to have a very difficult time with breastfeeding, and this has been even more challenging while Kennedy has been sick. She has a tough time nursing with a stuffy nose, so I find my supply continuing to decrease. When I have a chance, I'll share more information about this journey, but it all feels a little too raw right now.

And with that, I hear my little one waking up from her nap. We have a bird feeder to refill and some baby muffins to bake this morning...

Three Long Years

I couldn't decide whether to call this post three long years or three short years. I feel both ways. Today marks three years since we lost my mom to cancer. Sudden and tragic, yet not unexpected. It feels like she's been gone so long when I think about all of the milestones she's missed. Birthdays and holidays and graduations. My pregnancy. The birth of our daughter. All of Kennedy's firsts (a list that grows longer by the day). But it also feels like I just talked to her yesterday. I still reach for the phone to call her, though those moments are getting more and more rare. 

It some ways our move to North Carolina has made it harder emotionally for me. I feel robbed that I can't drive to see her. There are more memories of her here (she was never able to make it out to Seattle to visit us). Her grocery store. Her favorite lunch spot… And then I realize that she is here. I feel closer to her in this place. This feels right, somehow.

I see my mom everyday in my daughter. Little things, like when she yawns. I hold Kennedy and look out the window at the cardinals. We read the books that my mom and I used to read together. We sing and cuddle and laugh and work to be happy. 

I miss you, Mama. More than I could ever describe with words. XOXO